“We whine when we don’t have a boyfriend, and we wine when we do,” Miranda once told Carrie on an episode of Sex and the City.
Her short statement definitely resonates with a lot of us, as dating isn’t always the easiest thing in the world. A lot of factors come into play, leading us into a rather pessimistic mindset. Instead of having fun, we’re stuck telling ourselves that dating is terrible, or that everyone good is already taken.
If you feel that you are stuck in a dating rut, you’ve come to the right place. Kara Loewenthiel, a Certified Master Life Coach and dating guru shares to Man Repeller a few of her tips, saying that what people have to do is to change the stories they tell themselves–something she calls “redesigning your mind.”
1. Practice liking yourself more
The first tip is simple: “The best thing you can do to improve your dating life is to work on improving your self-image,” Loewenthiel shares. True enough, telling yourself that you are undateable will definitely hinder you from getting what you want.
2. Stop telling yourself dating is hard
A negative outlook leads to a negative outcome: “It’s that if you tell yourself that there’s nothing out there for you, your brain will miss seeing opportunities and connections that it could have recognized if you had told it to look for evidence that there are lots of options out there.”
3. Imagine the relationship—not the person—that you want
How many times have you and your girlfriends talked about the type of person you’d be into based solely on adjectives? Imagine a person who says her type is tall, dark and handsome, for example. While these qualities may help her look for what she wants, Loewenthiel shares that having these bullet points isn’t as helpful, compared to asking yourself more meaningful questions such as the following: How often do you want to see your partner? Do you talk every day? Do you eventually want to get married?
4. Look for reasons to continue seeing someone, instead of reasons to stop
When it comes to deal breakers, it is so easy to dismiss someone as this or that. Loewenthiel tells us to ask ourselves, If I already loved this person, what would I think of them? “It’s a total game-changer and it will open you up to way more possibilities for connection,” she says.
5. Stop playing games
Simple but true: “So much of the conventional dating advice out there teaches us to play games, manipulate and not be ourselves in order to snare a partner. Then what do you have? A partner who likes a fake version of you,” Loewenthiel says.